I Miss My Cat

2009-03-02T01:57:00.007+07:00

The end of one season and the beginning of something new

I promised myself that I would finish this story one day but it's taken so long to get round to it.

It's now that I have the privilege of hindsight and I am able to look back on the rest of my time in Thailand with a bit more wisdom, yet still a lot of questions !

When I moved from the Bang Muang camp it couldn't have been better timing really - although I wasn't convinced of that at the time. At the time that I left things really began to close down there. I don't know if it was the prayers, but we expected people to have to live there for a number of years, yet in less than a year - people had started to be moved in to newly built houses.

The area was well on the mend after the Tsunami - although people were far from it.

During this short time since the Tsunami the number of churches in the 40 km stretch from Takua Pa to just beyond Khao Lak had gone from 0 to about 15. The next phase of rebuilding was the rebuilding of lives as people settled back in to communities.

Little did I know at the time - that I was one of those lives being rebuilt. Not from the disaster of the Tsunami - but from the destruction of my past. God was working in me, healing and cleansing me. But it was a rather unstable time. I felt like spiritually I was going through adolescence - with all the tantrums, thinking I'm right, etc. But God bought me to where he wanted me and I'm eternally grateful for his patience and grace.

So I left the camp and joined Step Ahead to be on the core team of English teachers there. I avoided teaching anything for as long as possible because I was terrified. However I was initiated into the beginners group. Every lesson was precluded with a sleepless night, panic and insecurity. But somehow I got through each one and the students kept coming back.

After a while, myself, Jo T and Mozza received an opportunity to start teaching in 2 local hotels and I began to develop a hotel teaching syllabus. So, my life at Step Ahead mainly consisted of teaching during the stable times.

However there was something going on in me at that time that made me very unstable. I went through a phase of deep jealousy and inferiority towards the other 2 girls I was friends with. I always tried to hang in there, but my work life balance was poor and I began to fall into depression. The whole thing climaxed when we were involved in a terrible road accident which resulted in the death of to local boys riding a motorcycle. Following the accident I first went into overdrive and threw myself into work. Then, when the stress overtook me I took a break from the area. For the rest of my time in Thailand, I struggled back and forth between teaching at Step Ahead and going off to search for my 'real' calling, but ended up always being called back to Step Ahead.

I found teaching such a challenge. I loved it, yet I felt i wasn't good enough. I constantly felt I was letting the students down. I could never do enough planning, and living and working in the same place often took it's toll. Around this time I took a bit of comfort as I started teaching a group of advanced level students. I did a short series on story telling and tied in different language and grammar techniques with types of story telling (news reporting, biography) and ended the series with a lesson about stories with meanings; fables and parables. I had the opportunity at this time to tell the students a bit about my story. It was then that I realised that I did love to teach - but I wasn't sure I'd quite found my niche. But this moment of teaching something with meaning and combining it with my own story was quite a breakthrough.

I began to think about the Alpha course (www.alpha.org), a 10 week introduction to Christianity which I had benefited from a few times. And I though how great it would if somehow ESOL teaching and Alpha could be somehow combined and used together.

I didn't have the mental energy to think about the detail, but on and off, as I thought about it, I would pray for it to be possible.

So my time at Step Ahead went on with highs and lows as I battled with self esteem, teaching and searching for a real moment with God. My pastor once said to me: "it's like you get restless and you go off in search for God. And you end up getting more and more lost because your looking for him all over the place and he's right here."

I think I can say that was so true of my time in Thailand. God did some amazing things both in and through me. But I was adamant that this would be my calling. I took off on sometimes dangerous journeys in the hope that I would stumble upon a situation in need and that somehow through that I would meet with God and find my home. It's amazing how God can use you and meet with you in the wilderness. Sometimes you can convince yourself that you have arrived at your destination. I think I'm just learning now that God moves us on. Life with God is a journey and a training ground of trials, learning, growing and trusting. He takes us on a journey with him where he prunes us, blesses us, provides for us and uses us along the way at each stage as he makes us more like him, from one degree of Glory to another. And often he is most glorifies when we know the least; when we're depending on him; when we know we don't have what it take in our own strength. And THAT goes against everything our human nature tells us is worthy and acceptable.

I had thought that somehow I would find the Jo shaped hole in some corner of the world and once I had reach that place that I would only ever feel harmony and peace for the rest of my days. Often, when things didn't go to plan, I would come unstuck because I would think that God had left me or was ignoring me. But actually I realise that I was the one who kept wondering away from him, and it's a lesson I'm still learning. It's not so much about the Jo shaped hole in the world. It's about the God shaped hole in me - and making sure that it is filled with God and not other things that don't satisfy.

There's so much adventure that I would love to go in to detail on but I'd be here all year. There were times when God spoke to me at great times of need. I'm sure I will recall them on this blog at some point, but I want to move on to how I came to be back in England.

2006-05-06T21:55:00.000+07:00

Finding my Feet

The weekend I arrived at The Well in Khao Lak I was shattered. I spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and eating chocolate brownies. I spent some time debriefing and a lot of time praying. I had been thinking of the passage in Matthew 11: 28 -30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

The thought had been buzzing around my head but I didn't really have the energy to do anything with it. But the next day Vickie gave me a sheet which was a guided meditation on a bible verse which you worked through in sections with various questions to think over and process. The verse was the same one!

Once again God was so faithful. I felt that I'd totally messed up - and I can't say it was the best state I've been in. Yet God bought his word to me basically telling me he knew how I was feeling, he understood and he was asking me to give it to Him. All I could do was obey. I was blown away once again by the love of God and his grace and provision.

Before I had barely recovered I had already begun panicking about what I was going to do next. My task driveness was in mode and I didn't want to be sitting around doing nothing. Jo and Helen (aka Mozza, who has joined forces with Jo at Step Ahead) came up to visit me and were encouraging me to join them at Step Ahead. They had been praying specifically for a 3rd person to complete their team to run the teaching centre.

I really wanted to go back to Pattalung to see the children but I felt torn between wanting to belong there and wanting to build some good friendships and here were 2 girls inviting me to come and live and work with them.

I think in the end I had to weigh up the fact that at this time if I went to Pattalung I would be more isolated but at Step Ahead I would be making new friends and working in a team with other Christians who I could be accountable to. I think I began to see the importance and value of team work. But I couldn't get away from this strong resistance I was feeling towards teaching, and also to living with other girls!

I don't know what it was... I guess over the years my life style, thoughts and habits had all accumulated to building a certain mindset that I was having to renew. I had begun to see girls as a further threat to myself esteem and I just felt like I wanted to retreat by myself where I didn't have to face how sorry I felt for myself.

I really had to try to see this through God's eyes and not with my warped persepctive. I began to think about the way God had answered so many prayers. One of them being for him to provide a friend who I had something in common with. When I met Jo I had a certain feeling that there was more significance to that meeting than just a few random days out. Mozza and Jo were also both really in to sports (being sports teachers in the UK) which was another thing we had in common. Over the next days they called me, visited me and we went jogging together. I just felt that this was one of those anxieties that I needed to face rather than walk away from.

My heart was still so much with Phantasanja but things had began to quiten down in the camp; fewer tourists were coming through the area because the low season had started. And I knew that one of the most effective things I could do for Phantasanja was to pray for them and to comunicate with the outside world about them. And that I could do whilst living in Khao Lak.

So, probably a little prematurely but feeling slightly wary of the quantity of chocolate brownies i was consuming at The Well, I moved to Step Ahead.

But there was no way I was going to be roped into teaching English! I just assumed it was the stepping stone... the resting place to the next thing ! That thing I was called to do... whatever that may be.

2006-05-05T23:21:00.000+07:00

Leaving Bang Muang

I had agreed with Anurak to stay in Bang Muang for one or two months. When I arrived there initially I expected that within 4 weeks I would be back with the children in Pattalung. However after the first month I prayed and I just felt it was right to stay another month. I hoped that by the 1st June 2005 I would have an idea about whether to stay or move onto something else.

Although I was quite happy I had this constant nagging to always be looking ahead to the next corner that I could never be quite content to enjoy the moment, but always looking to see what was next. I think this can sometimes be a strength but sometimes it can really rob me of enjoying the moment. I always seem to be assuming that where I am is just the stepping stone to the real destination ... but then get the same feeling in the next place. So while I was working and serving I always seemed to be looking for something else and something additional to do. I felt very task driven. I think coming from working in London to a culture with such a laid back Sabai Sabai approach, I was kind've trying to run ahead of myself all the time. I felt like I was on a treadmill and that I kept running off the end trying to run faster than the speed it was moving.

I became quite anxious to know what I was really meant to be doing. I kept getting a nagging feeling that I should be teaching. I had felt so strongly back home that doing a TESOL course was something God had really put on my heart. I felt like I should be doing it to make use of it. But any opportunity to teach made me want to run a mile. it had been almost a year since I passed the course.

Some of the YWAM team moved out to work in a different village so the opportunity came up to teach some of the children in the camp next door. i kept coming across people who were just teaching English as a pass time really. Just getting involved where they could, not trained... just willing.

every time I met someone like this it irritated me. I couldn't get rid of this dualism in me... self-righteously thinking they must be doing it wrong, but at the opportunity of doing it myself I just couldn't take the jump.

I became so annoyed with myself. And I felt I so strongly wanted to at least say that I had taught to somehow validate the 3 month course I'd done and the fact that I had came out to Thailand. I felt this awful feeling of inadequacy and failure.

So when the opportunity came up I took over from the 2 guys who were teaching a group of kids during the school holidays. Suddenly I spend everyday consumed with trying to think of what to teach. I sat in the tent irritated by all the people making a noise. I tried to make clocks and activities for learning despite my poor drawing skills. I went to sleep feeling sick. Woke up hoping the lesson might be cancelled.

During the time of year (April / May) there's a lot of public holidays. So when I'd turn up, having spent all evening planning material and ideas, to see the metal door closed and no children, I'd feel an enormous feeling of relief wash over me.

It reminded me of when I used a dread a test and I'd arrive at the lesson and the teacher had forgotten. Or when the fire drill would go just before a lesson you dread.

I persevered with the kids for a while. But there was one long weekend which co-incided with my trip to Phuket which I talked about in an earlier post (don't tell me you skipped it ! My blog is long but it's not War and Peace yet). Anyway when I got back with a big blister on my lip and feeling totally crushed from my experience there i just couldn't face going back to teach. These were little kids ages 5-9. And I was just too intimidated. I had such high expectations of myself. And I just felt ill everytime I thought about going back there. For a few weeks I felt like such a wimp. But i felt so relieved that I wasn't going there anymore.

I was puzzled because ... well I had stressed in my course, I had stayed up late worrying, but I really enjoyed it. I think a part of me... although at the time of the course, I hadn't any immediate plans to go abroad. In fact I had pretty much decided I'd had enough of travelling alone. But my passion and desire to be out there somewhere serving God was growing. And i think I kind've saw this teaching qualification as a ticket to be useful somewhere. So that I could say to people, I'm going and i'm going to teach. So that they didn't doubt my intentions.

I feel there was a part of that in me, that somehow I had to prove myself. But there was also something in me that has always been strongly drawn to teaching. I can see myself doing it well and liking it. But the image in my head and the reality just didn't match up. And at that time I wasn't about to start looking for the missing link.

Anyway - as time drew closer towards June I was getting anxious. I had been meeting with the monks but i was kind've beginning to feel that I wasn't really saying much there anymore. There was a guy there who was a monk for a while but stopped being a monk. I was a bit intrigued as to how people could go in and out of the monkhood. One minute they couldn't drink, eat after 12, touch or sit alone with a women ... plus the other 224 rules... and the next day they could do what they liked. I was intrigued by this man who I had seen a few weeks before outside my tent giving little bracelets to kids. But here he was dressed normally.

I inquired after him and found out that some people will enter the monkhood for a period to help them through a particularly hard time. He had lost his wife and 2 year old son in the Tsunami. His son had been taken from his arms. When I heard this I just felt so helpless.

I spent a little bit of time talking to him either by drawing little pictures of stickmen, trying to speak thai or pointing to things in my phrase book. And he did the same. I was telling him about my faith. Sometimes I would sit there and learn some thai and each day I would just pray for him that God would comfort him and heal him from the terrible things that had happened. I could communicate very little but I just became so overwhelmed with compassion and general emotion etc etc that I began to develop a little attachment of some sort.

Anyway - this became a bit of a distraction for me. As I was prayer walking in the camp I suddenly felt embarrassed about what I was doing. I realized I was looking forward more and more to sitting and chatting each day than praying and spending time with others, and I became aware that my heart was torn.

I was aware of my weakness. I knew the situations I had been in before in the past. And the lessons I had learnt. I had wanted to set myself apart for God.... but in the past when these temptations came I just drifted towards them.... Ok not helplessly. I chose them over God. But here I was torn.

I knew my heart had changed. I knew that I wanted God to be the "One Thing" in my life. But here was something that was grabbing my attention. And I knew it was grabbing my attention in a way that was taking my eyes off God and on to something else.... rather than being something that was bringing me nearer to God.

Where in the past I would have just got into a "why can't I have what I want...." tantrum and I would have compromised my promises and my commitment to God. But here I knew where my heart was focus. In was focused on God. But I just wanted to fit this in to the picture and make it possible. In reality it was an impossible situation. Different culture, religion, language.... oh and just finished being a monk, to name but a few fundamental differences.

Looking back I felt so trapped. The Thai people I was staying with in the camp were noticing my distraction. Luckily at this time Pastor Samruam's wife, Gai had started staying at the tent. She spoke enough English for me to talk to her... and I took the opportunity to talk to them. They had previously been Buddhist but I was still really trying to understand a lot about Buddhism... I still don't really understand it. But they were really good to me. They warned me of various things and each night they prayed for me. They told me to stop having lunch over there and really to just stay away. So I did... but then he started coming to find me.

There were a couple of significant things going on at this time. I had been reading a book given to me by my pastor in England called "One Thing" by Sam Storms. This was a timely gift which confirmed some of the things I had been praying about in my personal walk with God. My pastor's prayer also was that God would become the One Thing in my life. This book was amazing. In reading it, and being surrounded by the mountains, sea, in the middle of a disaster zone yet seeing God moving so much amongst an unreached people I was just blown away by the revelations God bought to me through this book. I remember coming back from a fishing trip late one evening. The sky was pitch black and I sat in the boat looking at the millions of stars in the sky. And seeing in my mind the beauty of God's creation around me. I remember thinking... there is so much more to this universe that we haven't yet discovered. Yet there it is... for God's glory. The top of that mountain which no one ever visits is covered in trees, plants, insects... that we may never see. But it's there reflecting the glory of God. I just felt God say to me as I looked into the sky that he gives us so much more than we even need... because he loves us. If only we really knew and accepted that love to be able to freely receive what he has given. He knows our needs... I'm not talking materials... I'm talking about the deeper needs than manifest themselves in us seeking after temporary fixes because we just can't see that God has the answer. So we try to fix ourselves and fulfill ourselves.

Anyway... I was reading in this book about Ulysees and the Sirens. And how when people heard the music of the Sirens they were lured into a trap never to return again. Ulysees was so intrigued to here just how 'good' this was but was aware of his weakness. So he had his men tie him to a post so that he couldn't give into the temptation. He heard the singing and he was tempted like never before. I tried everything to free himself from the ropes. But it was only that which saved him. Jason... came along later and had the same idea. But he didn't tie himself up. He just hired a musician who played music which he loved so much that he was convinced that nothing could distract him from that which he loved the most. And he was successful.

This was really challenging to me. And knowing from where I had come before and how easily distracted I was I really wanted God to by that thing that I loved so much that nothing would turn me away from that which I wanted my life to be rooted and established in.

The other significant thing was that I had been praying that I would know when it was time to move on. The fleece I laid out at this time, because I didn't want to stop the prayer walking or just leave something incomplete... and there seemed so much more to do. So I asked God on this particular day at the end of May that if it was his will for me to move on to something else or return to Pattalung then he would bring along new prayer walkers. Now I had companions on 3 days during my time there: one was a girl who game with me to pray for people and translate, the other was the team I mentioned earlier, and the 3rd was the dog. So I was really thinking I was staying there indefinitely.

As I finished the 7th lap of the camp that day - forcing myself to keep walking past rather than talking to a certain person... I walked past 2 girls. I said hello to them. They had just arrived but interestingly they told me they were prayer walking. Again, I was stunned at the swift answer to my prayer.

In fact I was so stunned i didn't quite believe it.

The old YWAM team had gone and a new one had come. This team felt really called to prayer walk that day and would continue it for the month they were there. Well I was thinking in my usually way of looking 16 years ahead... "what happens after that month? who will do it then?"

I couldn't think of anything else I should be doing (despite my infrequent outings yet frequent hints from Jo at Step Ahead that she really needed a teacher). So I decided i would stay a bit longer to see what happened.

So I had my answer to prayer. But I ignored it. At the same time this whole other situation was just beginning.

The YWAM team who had been really supporting me in prayer had moved on and I was in a battlefield trying to slog it out by myself and I wasn't doing well.

So I was in a bit of a state. I was aware of what God was speaking to me about but I was stuck in one place and I couldn't seem to budge myself. One day I felt so overwhelmed. I went for a jog to a beach about 6 km away. I felt so ill it was hard to run. I got there and tried to do some sprints to take my mind off things but I ended up just sitting on the floor in defeat. I cried out to God. I was hurting so much. I don't even know why. It seemed so adolescent to be feeling like I did about someone I hardly knew. But I just admitted my feelings to God. I admitted that I wasn't willing to chose him even then and that i wanted to but I just couldn't do it by myself. I needed God to help steer me back to him.

I decided that for that weekend I would go to Khao Lak to see Jo and get a bit of space for the weekend. As I was making the decision I could already detect my brain trying to find a way of having the best of both worlds. So I began planning to spend the day at the camp and go to Khao Lak in the evening (what were the chances of me ever getting there?). I caught myself as I was thinking there and in a rush and pushing aside my frustration I just prayed that if this was really a situation God wanted me out of then he would get me to Khao lak unless it was by his intervention that I stayed. I felt so stubborn and ill that I just obstinately said to God... please just do something because I can't (or don't want to).

I got back to the tent and as I was washing I was thinking I would call my friend Mary who had just finished serving in the Tsunami region and moved to Bangkok to work. I knew I needed my friends around me and I knew she would pray for me. As I came out the bathroom to find my phone I looked at the entrance to the tent and who should I see standing there but Mary! Well she had moved to Bangkok so I thought I was dreaming.

She explained that she had some unexpected business and that she wanted to see how I was.

"oh i'm fine I told her."

She gave me one of those Mary looks and said "come on Jo. You know I'm not supposed to be here. What's wrong."

So I admitted I wasn't fine at all and that I was just really struggling with some things and I felt really uncertain about where to go and what to do. Just then I became aware that a woman was standing with her and I suddenly felt really embarrassed that I hadn't acknowledged her. Mary introduced her as Vickie who was one of the missionary support counselors who worked at a place in Khao Lak called The Well. (It's a chill out centre / counseling place for workers). Vicky was just there for a short window of time but had taken the opportunity to see the camp.

Mary asked me to come to Khao Lak with them . I ummed and ahhed. I was so stubborn. I had just prayed that God would get me out of there. Here comes Mary appearing out of nowhere when she's meant to be in Bangkok and still i'm resisting God's provision.

Vicky looked at me and just said that she felt that my heart was torn. She continued to remind me, knowing nothing about me, that when we are faced with temptation the bible tells us to flee from it, because we are rarely able to keep from it the closer we get to it and the more we contemplate it.

My mouth dropped open and I began to wonder whether I had a big sign attached to my head telling everyone that i was struggling with temptation. Mary just smiled and said, "pack your things."

I felt so terrible to the people in the tent. But I felt so broken I just knew I needed to go for a few days. So I packed some things and I went to Khao Lak.

God had got me there...

2006-05-05T22:47:00.000+07:00

Fond memories

One of my best memories in the camp was the Songkran festival mid-April 2005. It's a 3 day water festival marking the start of the rainy season. There are huge waterfights. On this occasion in the camp they lasted for the full 3 days. People covered each other in water and talc and red dye. We went out in pick ups with huge tubs of ice-cold water chucking it over people. Others would line the streets and stop every bike or pick up that went past - soaking all the drivers and pasengers. It's supposed to be a blessing to be soaked. But the water is often ice cold !

The army were doing a lot of construction work in the area at that time so they were also out on their huge trucks with great big hose pipes dreanching everything in sight. It was such a laugh and it was the first time there seemed to be a real lift in people's mood. In some ways it seems like a healthy thing to be playing with water. It seemed like somehow it was healing a lot of people from the fear of water they had since the Tsunami. The community really bonded in the camp at this time.

On the last day we had a sports day and I ended up on the Morgan women's football team... and scored a goal that Michael Owen himself would have been envious of ! Though besides that our opponents were good and we lost! We had proper football shirts though and I had a pair of rather baggy football shorts to wear cos my little running shorts really weren't suitable for the occasion.

The other events were the tug of war and the sack race. I definitely felt it the next day.

2006-05-04T22:26:00.000+07:00

God moments

There are some other God moments I feel compelled to mention...

In April 2005 I remember one day when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired. I had met so many great people and the Thai people were so welcoming but cultural and language differences bring certain restrictions to relationship building. This wasn't a bad thing and I was learning a lot - but I just didn't feel at any moment like I could just really relax and chat away with someone like I would with my friends at home. And I guess I was prepared for that. On one particular day I just felt needed to pray that I would meet a friend - who I had something I common with and who I could just effortlessly get along with. That day I was lucky enough to be given use of a mo-ped, so I set of for a drive to try to get rid of the bad mood I was in and I took the opportunity to go for an explore. Unfortunately it was difficult to actually stop the bike because I couldn't ever seem to start it again. So oftentimes I was stranded by the bike waiting for someone to come and start it for me. Having been on the main road for about 15 minutes I took a random turning off to the right probably subconsciously attracted to the big sign on the road which said "BEACH" with an arrow pointing that way.

The road that I took opened my eyes once more to the devastation caused by the Tsunami. It was another village totally destroyed. There were heaps of rubble everywhere and people working hard to clear it.

Anyway coming out of the same road I looked and saw a couple of people standing at the side of the road and this girl was standing there smiling at me. I wouldn't usually be brave enough to stop and talk to people, but then I wouldn't normally be brave enough to walk 7 times around in circles past the same people, praying... so something was changing in me.

Anyway... I digress, I stopped and said hello. The girl, to my delight, was English and her name was Jo and we were both the same age... Now if that's not having something in common with someone I don't know what is. Just after 5 minutes of meeting we exchanged numbers and we kept in touch from there on.

Somehow I kind've knew that it wasn't just a one off meeting but that this was the start of a friendship. And that somehow our paths would cross again. I found out that day that she was working on construction of a training centre called Step Ahead, and would later be teaching English there. Now, I had tried a bit of teaching in the camp... and I had already decided that despite my TESOL qualification from the UK, it wasn't for me afterall. I was far to scared and lacking confidence. I just couldn't handle it. So I nodded enthusiastically, mentally crossing that job possibility off my list.

Somehow it kept coming back on to my mental list.

I needed to get a better eraser !

When Step Ahead opened last May (2005) I remember meeting with Jo. It was a lovely centre. It looked really smart inside and the showers... well, what a treat they were! I wasn't going to work there but I was definitely happy to visit at weekends :o) ... I thought. I was happy to pass on some TESOL teaching tips - but when I saw the number of people signed up for classes I remember thinking... "wow I'm glad it's not going to be me teaching those classes" ...'Though she was looking for extra staff.

I kept striking that thought off my list.

Teach English there?... No way.

(Meeting Jo was such an answer to prayer though and we really clicked straight away. It was a real breath of fresh air to meet up and just chill out. I have to say that I hold her totally responsible for the fact that I'm sitting here, in Step Ahead, a year later, blogging when I should be planning my lesson for teaching English tomorrow!)

Anyway... my visits at that time were brief. I was tired, bitten badly and grubby a lot of the time but I like being at the camp. Often I would be prayer walking knowing that we were totally out of babycare stuff and slowly tourists were becoming fewer. But every time things got desperate I would be praying and I'd get an urgent feeling I needed to return to the tent, or I'd just go back for a drink or a rest just in time for someone to turn up with a great big donation of baby care goods or someone looking to give money to help babies. It was always just the right time to explain the work and ministry of Phantasanja to the people. God always provided.

Another time I remember getting a bit fed up walking on my own and I prayed one day for some walking companions. On the day I prayed I remember a stray dog with no fur walking 5 laps of the camp with me. No matter where I went he followed me... it wasn't quite what I had in mind. The next day huge trenches were being dug to catch the rain because huge puddles in the camp were getting bigger. The rainy season was well underway and showers were turning to downpours for longer and heavier intervals. One one particular day I couldn't get round the back of the camp because a huge trench had been built and there was no way to get across. So I took a detour. There was another smaller camp area across the road so I decided to walk and pray round there for a day. I bumped into some of the mothers from the centre. Then suddenly I saw a man I knew - Missionary from Ban Nam Khem village called David. He had just been talking about me to a team of volunteers. He had heard from someone else that I had been praying. I had met him and his family just once but he had been so touched by it that he had told others. That da it was a total God send. I had been praying for people to walk with. He had been talking to the team, and they wanted to join me. So I met the team, talked to them and took them with me to spend a day visiting homes, praying for the sick and prayer walking the camp.

Everyday when I walked I felt really self-conscious each time I walked past the tent where the Buddhist monks lived. They had set up a bit of a temporary Wat there. I really didn't want them to think I was arrogantly parading my religion past their patch everyday in order to try to insult pass any form or judgment on them. I just prayed that I would somehow have an opportunity to share my faith with them and that they would see the heart of God and Christ's humility in my heart. On one day it was particularly on my mind. That morning as I was walking I saw a friend and stopped to talk to him just near to the monks tent. It was about 11:30. As I was talking to my friend the head monk called over and invited us in to eat lunch with them. They eat twice a day in the morning and 11:30. After 12 mid-day they fast until the following morning. My friend declined the offer as he was busy, so I just began to shuffle on the spot and prepare to carry on walking. But as I went to go he called me over and asked me to join them anyway. He invited me to sit with some of the ladies and to eat with them.

Most of the loal people give their best food to the monks each day to earn a blessing or credit so it was a tasty lunch. As I sat I listened to the monk talking and politely answered his questions. After we ate he told me he thinks I must have been a Thai in my last life because I was so polite. And then he went on to say that he thought I had a good and gentle heart and asked me why I was here. I felt so astonished. I was walking past them everyday reading my bible yet he had perceived me to be polite when I was so concerned that I was being rude.

I listened to him talk a bit about his beliefs and he asked me if I believed the same. I replied that I was a Christian and that my beliefs were different from his. So he asked me to return the next day. As I had listened to Him, he wanted to listen to what I believed. It was amazing how the opportunity arised and that I was able to share with them. I ended up giving him a bible and I'd copied out a lot of verses into Thai which I felt backed up the explanation of my faith that I had given him. I even heard that they had a DVD of the Passion of the Christ!

Anyway - those were some interesting times. God was amazing me everyday.

2006-05-04T22:07:00.000+07:00

This passage in Isaiah was in my thoughts a lot as I was praying in the camp and I often read it outloud as I prayed for the people in the community. It is still very much on my heart for the people one year on.

Isaiah 55
Invitation to the Thirsty

"Come, all you who are thirsty,

come to the waters;

and you who have no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,

and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;

hear me, that your soul may live.

I will make an everlasting covenant with you,

my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,

a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,

and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,

because of the LORD your God,

the Holy One of Israel,

for he has endowed you with splendor."
Seek the LORD while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way

and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown,

for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed."

2006-05-04T09:23:00.000+07:00

God Moments

As well as the challenging moments in the camp there were also times that really really opened my eyes to God's power and faithfulness. I wasn't really aiming to find God when I came here because as far as I was aware - I already had received Jesus into my life. But my prayer was that God would work in my heart and change me so that there was less of ME in me and more of Jesus. but since I've been in Thailand I've experienced and learnt things about God on a much deeper, more intimate, honest and much more REAL level. And learning these things have also lead to to learning so much about myself and the kind of person I've chosen to be. This hasn't been as romantic as it sounds. It's been a year of facing some harsh realities, humbling situations and huge battles. It's been a time of refinement and looking at the state of my heart, which has been a bit of a mess. Other times have just been times of revelation and bowing in worship to a sovereign and faithful Father God.

There's been so many moments which to some are either going to sound mushy, weird, nice... Seeing as I'm reflecting at the moment on my time in the camp I'm just going to mention a couple of the things from being in the camp that really opened my eyes to God's presence in my life and his faithfulness. Some of them may be those "you had to be there moments" and I guess only the Holy Spirit can bridge the gap between the things that are lost in translation from my writing, to your reading of my testimony.

I was really blessed by God's provision of friends when I was living in Bang Muang. There was a YWAM team in who I clicked with in particular and I was able to meet with the team in the mornings for prayer and some bible study and worship in the morning which was really refreshing to me - since the Thai ones at the Phantasanja tent in the evening were, well... in Thai for a start. The team were a huge support I prayer, friendship and even guidance with a few cultural differences I was fast becoming aware of.

Other teams came in and out of the camp regularly and it was just amazing how well it was often timed. One team from Calvary chapel in the states were a huge blessing. There was a group of girls who would come to the tent and just give me the boost I needed to get through the day when things were getting hard or tiring. At one point I had been really praying about having a way to get out of the camp when I needed some time out. With the amount of rice I was eating I was quite keen to exercise. I was thinking for a while about getting a bicycle, but not knowing how long I would be in the area. Anyway I wasn't really sure if this was a good think to invest in, or whether it was just a passing fad. So for a while I just prayed about it. I saw the girls from the Calvary chapel team a few times and I can remember them advising me to make sure I took some time out for myself, and they must have picked up on my keenness for exercise as I had started jogging every morning. On their last day their whole team turned up to say goodbye and presented me with a bike. I was totally speechless. I just felt so blessed by God that he knew me so well.

During that time I was so keen to help and give to others but it seemed that God was also teaching me to receive from others.

The teams were often busy with various projects during the day so I did the prayer walking on my own. There were times when I would walk and read my bible (often stubbing my toe for not looking where I was going) and I was just filled with such an overwhelming feeling over love and compassion like I'd never felt before. I can remember one particular time that I was so overwhelmed with this feeling that I just didn't know what to do or where to channel it. I felt like my heart was too small to contain it and I just wanted to be able to communicate God's love to the people I was praying for. But all I could do was pray that God would grow my heart and continue to fill it so that my attitude and actions towards these people would always be an attitude of love from the overflow of the love god had put in me. By myself I was able to do nothing but the compassion that God was putting in me was enabling me to intercede and fall in love with these people. I prayed that God would give me His heart and His eyes to see these people as he sees them. And I believe that's one of the miracles that was beginning to happen in my heart.

Sometimes when I would walk and pray I would pray songs on behalf of the people. Other times I would read scriptures on their behalf. But I really wanted to be able to tell people that I was praying for them and why. One day I was thinking about this and just asking God how I could tell people. One of the leaders of the Thai YWAM office had a slot on the radio station for a few hours each day which actually ran from one of the little wooden shacks in the camp. On this particular day I was walking across the camp and saw one of the team and they just casually dropped into the sentence "oh by the way, you're on the radio tomorrow to talk about your prayer walking." So the next day I spent an hour being interviewed with Ghan who also interpreted for me. I shared a bit about the power of prayer but also from the spiritual perspective that Jesus's disciples went out praying and teaching people from village to village. I believed that even though I couldn't speak their language, that I would still be able to build a relationship with the people and share God's love with them I was also proclaiming God's victory and healing for the land and the people I believe he wanted... and still wants to bless and heal and save.

I shared with them Ephesians 6: 10 -12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I just felt that spiritually this was a battle ground and I wanted to pray for God's peace, protection and restoration over these shattered lives. Following that day - my walk around the camp would be broken by invitations in to houses, gifts (mainly vegetables) and people approaching me to ask me to pray for them. I suddenly realised that God had answered another prayer... suddenly I found I was able to communicate with people... with a lot of sign language. But my Thai was improving.

It was a real privilege to live in the Mother and Child centre. I would sleep on the floor under a mosquito net - but I honestly can't remember sleeping so well... that is, until the rainy season started. I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to be so immersed in a Thai community and to be involved in such a special way. A lot of the people who were coming to the tent in the evenings for bible study were people who I'd seen be baptised by Anurak in Pattalung. I just wished I could understand what they were saying. But most nights I would just sit and listen.

I talked on an earlier blog about the old lady I unknowingly agreed to live with. She came to the centre for quite a while. She had such sad eyes. She would just talk and talk. So many times I would try to tell her I didn't understand. But I would just pray for her. The main thing that I prayed for her was that she would know God's joy and that she would feel joy in her heart. One day, soon after that, I had a translator with me and she had a really sad story. I felt even more fuelled to pray for her to have an injection of joy. On a particular night she came and I sat there praying over and over again that she would know the joy of the Lord. Everyone was sitting and chatting. I have no idea what they were talking about. But this lady (her name was Lek) was talking a fair bit and suddenly her face just lit up and she just collapsed into a fit of giggles. Then for the next 2 hours everyone was just in fits of laughter. And Lek more than anyone was laughing so much she gave herself a stomach ache.

She gave me vegetables and sweet potatoes from her little vegetable stall everyday. I loved her so much !

2006-04-29T11:11:00.000+07:00

God moments

Psalm 97

The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice.
Clouds and thick darkness surround him;

Righteouness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side.

His lightening lights up the world;

the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, beofre the Lord of all the earth the heavens proclaim his righteousness.

And all the peoples see His Glory.

I felt God gave me this picture the other day when I was praying... and I have spent all week trying to recreate the picture I saw but I haven't had much success in getting it onto my blog. I really felt God put Psalm 97 on my heart as I was praying for Thailand. As I prayed the verse I began to see a picture of the globe and the words of the first half of Psalm 97 written over it. Then around the globe I saw pictures of Phang Nga - where I live in Thailand. So I spent ages trying to recreate it! But then the file was too big to upload. Or like the one above - too small to be able to see properly. So the Psalm is written out in full above instead.

My prayer is that God will open the floodgates of heaven and let his glory reign here in Phang Nga. That he will continue to heal the land and bring waves of blessing to this area. My prayer for Phang Nga often echoes the words in the Martin Smith song: Over the Mountains and the Sea. I believe that one day that will be the song on the lips of the people here - that they will sing of the day when they opened their hearts to God's love and were set free.

Over the Mountains and the Sea

Your river runs with Love for me

And I will open up my heart

And let the healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth

And I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of when your love came down.

I will sing of your love forever.

Oh I feel like dancing

it's foolishness I know

But when the world has seen the light

There'll be dancing then like we're dancing now.

I will sing of your love forever.

2006-04-29T09:03:00.000+07:00

Living in Bang Muang also came with some challenges - most things do.

Food was one challenge that, looking back on it now, it seems a ridiculous grumble. Rice and fried fish for breakfast. Rice and fish with some clear vegetable soup for lunch. Rice for dinner with ...well fish of course, and sour spicy fish curry, sometimes green curry (which was always a treat). Some of the things that came out of the ocean and ended up on our plates... well I can't tell you what they were and neither could the people I was living with. I can distinctly remember times where I popped something suspicious looking and slimy in my mouth and swallowed it in one go. I new that as soon as my mouth felt the texture of it and my saliva glands detected the taste ... the mouthful was defnitely more likely to end up on the floor then in my stomach.

To begin with the eating experience was all part of the excitment of being imersed in a new culture and a new way of living. I loved the fact that I was thrown right in the deep end. Whenever I had travelled before I had only really touched the edges of these small villages and I had longed to have the opportunity to be part of one and to really be part of their way of life and the culture. However when I saw the tasty thai food the YWAM team were being served for lunch every day I began to feel a little bit sorry for myself. And eating rice 3 times a day was beginning to take it's toll.

The Thai's are so hospitable and eager to please when I decided to just by some bread for breakfast, just for a change, I was lavished with gifts of bread, jam, honey, and omlets. And it was so hard to say no.
There's a particular thai desert that I used to really like; Khao Neaw Mangmuang (sticky rice with Mango). One day the ladies in the tent saw me eating some ... from then on they bought me 2 or 3 packs of it a day. It's probably the most fattening thing you could possibly eat out here ! I had to put a ban on myself eating it cos it was just getting out of hand. I came up with a plan that I was only allowed to eat it if it was friday and if someone gave it to me ! The following friday i was invited to have lunch with the monks in the camp and what did they offer me? Yes... Khao Neaw MangMuang. After I had it they told me I'll only get fat if I eat that (even though they were the ones who gave it to me. So after that friday I just stopped eating it altogether. Now I can't stand the stuff !

One of the other challenges at the camp was the mosquitos. I was prayer walking each day and the rainy season had started to get underway. It was still boiling hot but it would chuck it down at about 4pm every day so there were lots of big muddy puddles in the camp. As a combination of some particularly itchy bites on my legs and feet and the germs in the puddles and probably the water in the camp... the bites began to get infected. My foot got so swollen. I was feeling tired and run down and eventually had to go to the hospital for some medication.
People I'd met passing through the camp or living in the camp kept telling me to make sure I took time out about once a week. I didn't really feel I was doing a lot in the camp so I didn't take time off as such. I would go off for an hour here and there to cycle and I jogged at 7am everyday. But i couldn't understand why I was so tired out and run down. It wasn't until you went away from the area and returned that you realised how heavy the atmosphere was there.
On a day today basis people smiled and laughed and got on with life. I would say it's the Thai way to just bounce back from something saying "Mai pen rai" (nevermind) and smile and carry on. It's the only place I've been where you can see someone drive a motor bike into the side of someone's car and leave a dent, and the car driver will just say"Mai pen rai". Inside he'll be thinking " You #$%#^@@ @$@!$!." The face on the surface doesn't show what is actually going on inside.... having said it's the Thai way - I think many of us do it. However the spitiual and emotional heaviness in the place was so evident. But living there everyday you just become accustomed to it. It was exhausting but you just didn't realise what was making you tired.

After about a month I was taken to Phuket for the weekend. There was a bit of concern for my well being and having not had a break I went away for a weekend. Just the day before I had been introduced to 2 pastors; one Thai and one American. The thai pastor had overheard some people talking about me and what I was doing in the camp. He had asked the people to introduce me to him. So I had a meal with the 2 pastors and they asked me to share my testimony with them. Afterwards they prayed for me. First the Thai pastor shook my hand and left a 1000 baht note in my hand. He said "this isn't for your work - this is for you to treat yourself. Look after yourself." Then the other pastor shook my hand and left another note in my hand.... this time "$100" and said almost the identical thing to me. So the timing of the gifts and the opportunity for a weekend away came together nicely.

I was dropped off in Patong...or, as one of my friends calls it, the "Sodom and Gomorrah" of South East Asia.
It was a shock to the system to say the least. Compared to what it's like now and to what it was before the Tsunami I had picked the perfect time to see Patong really (short of getting in a time machine and travelling back 25 years). It was pretty quiet when i was there. But I was surprised to see how quickly it had bounced back after the Tsunami. The red light district was in full swing and there was a new DVD on the markets: The Tsunami DVD; a compilation of video camera footage from the events on 26th December 2004.
This time when I was invited into Tailor shops, it wasn't to have a dress made, it was do be shown a graphic photo album of the destruction caused by the wave and dead bodies lying in the streets.

I found it so sad to see an obvious need for these to process and deal with what had happened. And I felt so angry at the number of people, well Westerners, who were right back there for the sex industry. Some people would just laugh about the Tsunami with a "Yeah it was bad, but my house was alright." Or just indifference to it.

I don't know.... I felt like I had been living in a bit of a bubble in the camp and then I found myself in the middle of this .... and I came a little bit unstuck to be honest. I couldn't relax at all. I felt pretty vulnerable and ...well... there were one or two tricky situations that I wasn't really prepared to deal with. In some ways they showed me how far I had come one from the person I was. It also revealed to me where my weakness still were. I think getting some time out was a good idea. I think going away on my own with my heart being in the state of trying and wanting to fix everything and everyone, was a bad idea! It really came back to the same question I asked myself before I left England.... "how far am I willing to let God be number one in my life." I think at the first idea of this question I thought there was just a few things I needed to surrender. But it seemed layer by layer I was realising all the things I was trying to do by myself. And all the things I was still holding on to for myself.

That day I had prayed from Pslam 139: "Lord search me and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead my in the way everlasting"

Well I said that prayer - later I had to ask myself whether I really meant it ! I was beginning to learn that it was not just about giving the 10 minutes of the day to God when I'm praying and then doing what I like for the rest of it. But inviting God into every part of my day, every decision that I make and not letting my guard down.

I began to see the importance of the team i was in at the camp and the support and accountability I had there. Even though I had come out to Thailand on my own... wanting to do things on my own... I began to realise how much I needed and wanted people around me. And God knew that better than I did. In every part of my time here he lead me into a team. Part of the surrender I was learning was also acknowledging that God knew what I needed better than I did.

When I came back to the camp I was a bit over emotional. During my time in Phuket I had blistered my lip which has also become infected along with the mosquito bites. Anyway - It was good to be back at the camp. And it was strange how when I was in Phuket the home that I missed was my home in the camp. The bed that I thought about was my space on the floor. It was such a gift from god that he gave me the grace not only to live there, but that during the time I was there, that's really where my heart was.

2006-04-28T21:57:00.000+07:00

Interlude

2006-04-09T17:55:00.000+07:00

Walking the Camp

Being the only English speaking person working with Phantasanja, at the time, my main job to was to communicate to non-Thai visitors how the foundation served the community in the wake of the Tsunami. At that time it was one of the only foundations helping babies under 3 years old and it was important to communicate to those with a specific desire to help babies; how they could help and how their donation would be used. I went out with Aot and Samruam to deliver milk powder, mosquito nets, nappies, talc and numerous other mother and babycare goods to mothers in the camp and also to surrounding villages and camps. At the time there were a lot of people visiting, bring money to donate, or babycare donations and it all needed to be directed to the right places. I was going through a particularly task driven stage at the time so it was good to be doing something useful and keeping busy ! But I was also feeling quite useless that I couldn't really communicate with the Thai people I was living amongst. I went to bed most nights praying that I would wake up in the morning with a miraculous God given ability to speak Thai ! Well ok... at least that I would learn enough to survive. The Mother and child centre was a day care centre. So Mothers brought their children during the day and spend time making keyrings and later jewellery to sell to tourists to earn some pocket money. By night the same floor space was where we would sleep under our Mosquito nets.

It was an exciting time. We were also working to support some local fishermen to get their fishing businesses back and maintaining a relationship to support them at what must have been a terrifying prospect at going back out to spend hours sitting on the peaceful ocean that just a few months before had wiped out their village and half the people in it. I went out fishing a few times and my proudest moment besides finally being able to actually touch the bate.... was catching my very own fish !

One day I was walking on the track which ran all the way around the camp. I was praying and asking God what I could give to these people. I felt that I had nothing. And the truth is I had nothing to give. A bit of money might feed them for a day but what could possibly fill the sorrow and the loss that each one of these people had suffered.

Having arrived in this area and seen the devastation caused be the wave I had realised just how little I had grasped from watching the TV on December 26th 2004. I could have spend a whole year trying to imagine exactly what might have happened and still I would have been no where near the extent of what did happen. Here I was in the camp. Here I could see the devastation and it's effects. Yet still I had no idea EXACTLY what these people had lived through and survived. I couldn't even speak to the people.

As I walked and prayed I kept asking God, show how I can love these people and serve them in the best way I can.
Just then I just felt a strong impression that God was telling me to pray for them, to intercede for them and to persist in prayer for them.

The bible tells us to pray without ceasing. And to love them through prayer seemed like the right thing to do. I began to wonder how I would do this. And as I prayed and walked I thought... I will walk around the camp each day and pray.

So that's what I did. 7 times a day I walked around the camp and I cried out to God to heal, to bless, to protect, to love and to provide for the people. I didn't really set out with an agenda each day, but I would start from the Phantasanja and ask God to bless that ministry and provide for the immediate and urgent needs there for serving the children. And I would go out from there each day and pray for divine opportunities to show God's love to people. To begin with I didn't feel to successful. Everytime I looked for an opportunity to help someone they would end up giving something to me. I would come back to the tent with armfuls or vegetables, fruit. Every time I stopped to say hello to someone I was invited in for a drink or food.... and how can you say "no" ?.... well aside form the initial "glen jai" no.

Sometimes I would walk and read from my bible scriptures and Psalms that were on my heart for the people. Sometimes I would just be broken and I'd have to keep stopping around the back of the camp for a cry. Other times I would worship God and sing. I tried to keep this to the back part of the camp where there weren't any people... but sometimes I'd forget myself and realise I was walking through the busy part and I was still singing ! Man, I can still blush about that now when I think about it. Anyway - they already thought I was a crazy farrang for walking around in circles for 7 times each day. I managed to learn the Thai to tell people I was praying for them every time I was asked "Pai Nai?" ("where are you going"). My reward would always be an Iced Coffee with the YWAM team at Walli's place. (Practically it was a cafe / restaurant, although it was actually just a couple of wooden benches with a little cooking area). It was good.

The YWAM team were brilliant. They were on placement there during their discipleship training course and their time at the camp actually ran in sync with mine. It was just amazing to have them there to pray with and relax with. And we were able to really support each other through the work we were doing at the camp and around the area. They also gave me an opportunity to have my first proper shower in what seemed like ages ! I will be forever grateful for that.

2006-03-23T20:00:00.000+07:00

Photos from Phattalung

2006-03-23T18:55:00.000+07:00

Testimony Part 2:

Arriving at Bang Muang Tsunami camp for displaced people

So after a few more days in Phattalung I started off on the first of an 8 hour 3 leg bus journey. I had to leave early to catch the bus and didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye to all the children. I hadn't spent long with them but I had grown so attached to them in the short time that I felt like I had left something behind when I left. I think I might have cried most of the journey. I took myself by surprise and I didn't understand the reaction i was having but there was a love for the family in Pattalung that I felt almost as if they were my own family and I felt homesick. However, I told myself... "in just one month I will be back there."

Having done the road trip from Pattalung to Phuket once with Anurak and Oom I somehow remembered much of the route and got of the bus in Takua Pa to get a Songthaew to the camp in Bang Muang. The Songthaew dropped me at the main road so I got my luggage and walked up the road which would take me to the camp entrance.

I had visited the camp with Anurak the week before and my heart had broken for the people there. There were rows and rows of houses made from wooden boards with corrugated iron roofs - though this was luxury compared to what they started out with: after losing homes and loved ones in the Tsunami they were left in the camp with as little as a tent if they were lucky. The quick response from big organisations like World Vision and the openness with which Thailand received help in the wake of the Tsunami meant that people were provided with temporary shelter relatively quickly. But it was clear to see that ever life had been torn apart and people were still in shock. The mourning process for their loss hadn't even begun yet. These people were still in survival mode.

As I arrived at the camp I was suddenly struck with the realisation that I knew no Thai and I was to be living in a raised tent with Thai people who spoke no English. More besides I didn't even know what I was meant to be doing. The camp was much busier than I had seen it before. On the day I had visit before there had been another big earthquake in almost the same place as the one on December 26th 2005. Even though this part of Bang Muang was safe from the Tsunami most of the people had fled to the mountain area and still hadn't returned. Some people fled further to other parts of Thailand and wouldn't be seen again.

This time the camp was buzzing with people. There were about 2000 people living in the camp at this time. I arrived at the Phantasanja tent relieved that even though I barely recognised anyone - they at least recognised me, although they all seemed surprised to see me. I was still carrying all my teaching stuff around with me - expecting to teach at any time though feeling pretty much terrified at the prospect of it.

So this is where life began again; Bang Muang camp, Phantasanja Mother and Child care centre. I can summarize my memories of living there with a smile on my face now... but being someone who could barely be within a mile of a daddy long legs in Britain and recalling the time where I almost knocked myself out, hitting my head on the wall at home after seeing a spider in the toilet - I realize how far I've come as a result of living in the camp. Though thank the Lord for the western toilet at the back of the tent!

The typical washing facility in the camp was a big communal concrete tank of water. Most people took a bowl and scooped the water up and tipped it over their head. I washed in the same way but I was lucky enough to have a separate washing area at the back of our tent as it was used to take care of the babies during the day. We had big black bins filled with water and as long as I had my flip flops on while washing... I was generally ok well until I found that the bowl I used to tip water over my head was also the bowl people used to wash their bottoms after using the toilet (before you all start wondering... I had my own supply of toilet roll).

Each night we help a bible study for the new Christians in the camp; some of whom I recognised as a group who had come to Pattalung to church and had been baptised by Anurak. At bed time we would set up our mosquito nets,and sleep on the board floor. I have to say - I can't remember a time when I've slept so well, except when the odd branch from the tree outside would break and fall on the roof. I'd wake up with a shock thinking that a bomb had gone off. Food was rice... 3 times a day usually with fish and really hot and sour curry. The Thai people are fascinated by watching foreigners eat. I'd sit there trying to pick every bit of skin, fat or bone off the meat i was eating.The Thai people would just put the whole thing in their mouths, be it a fish head, chicken or a chunk of any other meat and spit out whatever parts were inedible at the end. Some of the things that came out of the sea that we ate, I could never tell you what they were, I just had to swallow as quickly as possible without even chewing it. My theory at the time was that if I got sick then the bonus was that I would lose some weight.... But what with everyone praying for me at home... I've yet to get sick. Not all the food was bad. Every attempt to have a break from the rice diet would normally result in the thai people lavishing me with extra sweet bread, or sticky rice with coconut milk. At this point I hadn't quite understood the cultural phemonenon of "Glen Jai".

"Glen Jai " can occur in numerous situations but a common one is with food. Sometimes food will be offered to you because it's a cultural and a firnedly gesture. A lot of the time the Thai offering the food will expect you to decline. They will then offer again. If they are quite persistant then you know that they genuinely want you to eat. If it is not offered again then you know it is more a gesture, or a "how are you" type of thing.
Anyway - when you do eat - you are rarely expected to finish your plate. Doing so will make them think that you want more. And more you will get.
I would be there eating what I was given because I thought it would offend them to leave it. And they were there thinking "wow this girl can eat !" When people are being "glen jai" a lot of these thoughts aren't spoken but are just assumed. It's hard to explain but basically if I"m being "glen jai" I tell you what I think you want to hear even if what I really want is the opposite. Most people when offered a drink will say no. However sometimes they may really want one, so you ask them againm maybe 3 or 4 times to determine what the real desire is. They will say no - expecting to be asked again. And that is just touching the surface of it.

I can remember all sorts of situations I got myself into in the early days at the camp. There was a lovely old lady who would come to the bible studies in the even. She was Bhuddist and she was very lonely. I warmed to her straight away. She would just sit there and talk and talk and talk and i would sit and nod occasionally saying "Kor toet, Mai kao jai ka" (i'm sorry I dont understand). But she would just rub my arm and talk some more. At the end of one evening she lingered a bit as if she was waiting for me. That particular night a thai girl called Julie was there translating for me. i said to Julie "why is she waiting?" As it turned out, that evening's nodding had resuilted in me agreeing to spend the nights sleeping with this old lady in her little board house instead of at the tent. I apologetically explained I'd misunderstood and that I would visit her during the days instead. I learnt I had to be careful who I nodded to in future :o)

Anyway... here's a picture of the camp to give your eyes a rest from reading. Unfortunately most of my other pictures of the camp are back in England so I'll have to post them another time.

2006-03-21T11:53:00.000+07:00

Testimony:
Part 1:

So, one year ago I left England; my job, my family and friends, my church and my cat and set off on a new adventure in Thailand. However the trip wasn’t as spontaneous as it may sound. Although the decision to end one season of my life and begin a new one happened in a relatively short space of time – my passion for traveling and my desire to serve God in the nations is something I had been praying about for quite some time.
Two years ago, whilst traveling for a month in South East Asia, I was told about a Thai man who was doing some amazing work for God in the South of Thailand - but during that trip I never had the time to see his community in Phattalung. After I returned to England, contemplating a career change I thought about teaching as a possibility but felt more and more drawn to teaching small groups in a more specialist way. I felt more and more drawn to teaching English to foreigners which I felt quite excitedly would compliment my live for travel and my desire to serve God abroad. So I took the course not really knowing where it would get me or how I would use it.

Upon passing the course I looked for some teaching opportunities in London - but nothing that could really support me full time, and I had no desire to go anywhere at that time. My personal circumstances at that time were not the most stable. I was struggling with some issues which had been repeating themselves for many many years and I was beginning to lose hope that I could ever trust myself to go anywhere or do anything without getting myself into a huge mess. It seemed that the more I attempted to "perfect myself" the more of a mess I realised I was in. I had no sense of self worth - and the vain attempts I was making to build it were just digging me deeper into a shallow world of materialism, competition and trying to fight and prove myself to people based on how I could make myself physically acceptable etc etc. I had such a high bench mark for myself that I could never be satisfied with myself. When I reached a goal - I just moved the target to a higher goal. People were coming in and out of my life at the time and I was constantly looking to them for acceptance and self worth.
However aside from this I was also fully seeking God and really desiring a deeper and more intimate relationship with God. It sounds like a total contradiction from the other goals I was setting. But through it all I was realising more and more my need for God and the knowledge that there was always something better for me in the plans God had for me. I realised that only by letting go of trying to be in control of "perfecting" myself - that only then could I really see myself as God sees me. That I am acceptable just as I am - maybe not to just anyone... but to God. I'm still learning that now...as I write, and it's still a challenge, but I began to realise that not only was I trying to be perfect to everyone around me, but I was also trying to make myself acceptable to God before I could be used by him. I began to realise that I didn't have to be perfect for God to use me. I just had to be willing. And through being willing God would be able to change my heart and my attitudes. That as I looked to serving others for God and showing God's love to others, I would begin to be healed and changed myself.

So ... as I began to dare to ask God, "Do you really have a purpose for my life? Can you really use me?" my desire to travel again began to grow. This was very soon after a particularly difficult patch so I really began to wonder if I could trust myself to travel alone. I was also aware that my passion for travel was also very much what I wanted to do. But having travelled the previous year and getting myself in a right muddle in my defiant "Here I am God, all by myself so come and do something" kind of way... I had found that travelling for travellings sake really seemed quite pointless. I wanted there to be a purpose. I came to the decision - and had to chance sacrificing a dream - that if this wasn't God's plan for me then I didn't want it at all. I didn't want another travelling trip to be just yet another thing I wanted to do... just another experience to add to the list. If this was just me I didn't want it. So I decided to pray... I prayed that God would confirm to me somehow - that this desire was put there by him to serve him and that there would be work for me to do. I was feeling sick because I was thinking - what do I do if nothing happens?
But I firmly trusted in my personal relationship with Jesus - I knew that he had a plan for me, and I knew that whatever it was - it was far better and more fulfilling and far more able to bless me and others than anything I could ever achieve by myself. I knew from experience that anything I had done or searched for fulfillment in before just left me empty, used and unfulfilled. I always had the feeling that there was something better for me if I could just let go and trust in God.
I really wanted God to be in this desire - because I didn't just want to go somewhere for a year and come back the same me. I wanted to go somewhere and I wanted my life to change direction. I wanted to be so sold out for God - but every time I want this - I then begin to learn how many things in my life I try to be control of. I wanted this to be a time where I let go of that control and gave everything to God. Oh and I also wanted to go abroad, maybe do a bit of teaching... preferably somewhere hot please. Amen

So expecting nothing - I tried to put my hopes to the side - so not to feel too disappointed. But the next evening I had a call from my mum to say she had seen a friend of hers who I hadn't seen or spoken to for some time - maybe 6 or 7 months. The friend had been praying for me for about a week - not sure why, but just feeling that she should pray for me - she felt strongly that God was telling her to give a word to me: to encourage me to go abroad somewhere and use the teaching qualification I had.

I was totally amazed.

The following day - filled with a feeling of panic and excitement I thought this can't really be the confirmation I prayed for. As I stepped out of my car on the way to work I was suddenly hit with a distinctive smell of the food stalls in Thailand where I had been the previous year, it took me back totally - it was 7 o clock on a drizzly Monday morning at in London. I decided that I would press into this idea a bit more. I was certain that the plan to go away would be met with negative feelings from my family, friends and my pastor - especially as they knew some of the scraps I’d got myself into around this time. And they were well used to my frequent dreaming of a new career move: TV, fitness instruction, physio, counseling (I thought I was an expert in the field from the amount of counseling I had received), teaching, to name but a few I think I even decided I might just work in a cafe at one point. So this was my last test - if they were supportive of this then I would go for it. I was amazed that every one of them reacted in the most positive way. After speaking to my pastor about my plans I came away shaking...

I'm not entirely sure why I decided on Thailand... I had been praying for the Buddhist nations for about 2 years already. I'm not really sure what provoked that. I always used to try to pray for Islamic nations - because of the national tension surrounding those countries. I thought it made sense - but for some reason I always came back to the Buddhist nations and different sects of philosophy, spiritualism and cultural practice surrounding that religion.
I had a specific passion for Laos - but knowing it to be quite a closed country and particularly risky for Christians - I felt I might be setting my sights a bit high. I was aware that there was a lot happening in Thailand. A lot of church growth and I felt excited about that and saw revival in Thailand being a spring board into the surrounding nations. The recent national disaster in the Indian Ocean causing a Tsunami which devastated a huge part of Thailand’s west coast didn't really affect my decision making. But I knew that I felt moved to teach or help those who really needed it - those who wouldn't normally get a chance to learn English and to help give a head start for those who would normally be overlooked in society. So I felt the most rewarding work would be the unpaid work.

Not forgetting where I had come from and the wobbly platform of my past I was in slight conflict about how I would manage my trip on my own. I thought about joining a team - but I really felt I wanted to go alone. Again I didn't want this to be me being stubborn - but again I prayed. I present my desire to God - which was to go alone, on a one way ticket - just putting my life in God's hands. I was willing to go where he wanted to go and to do what he wanted me to do for as long as it took. I wanted to walk out of my old life - and embrace a new season. But I also felt it was important to have somewhere to go to when I got to Thailand and Christians to be around. So again I prayed. I already knew some churches from the previous year but I felt there was somewhere specific for me to go. As I prayed all I could think about was one very small detail some missionaries had mentioned in an email to me 1 year before "there's a man in the South of Thailand doing some amazing work for God in the South of Thailand." The words kept coming to my mind over and over again and I thought - That's where I want to go.
I made preparations to push at this door and contacted the missionaries who had told me about Anurak and his ministry. I found that they were no longer in Thailand but after about a month I managed to get an email address. I emailed explaining who I was and that I wanted to come and see what he was doing in Thailand and that I would like to help support them in anyway I could. I was warmly welcomed. The door to Thailand was fully open. I remember thinking – I don’t know what I’m going to do but I prayed “God I am willing. I want you to change the direction of my life. I want you to heal me from my past. I will go where ever you want me to go. I’ll do what ever you want me to do and for as long as it takes.”
I had made a skeleton plan that I would go to Phattalung and then perhaps head over to the west coast to see if there were any English teaching needs there as people were rebuilding their lives after the Tsunami. If that didn’t work out I would head up to Chiang Mai and find some teaching work there.

I began to pray for God’s will to be done. I told Anurak that I was qualified to teach English. He suggested that I might be able to teach some of the people in KhuanKhanun village. He had converted a room in his parent’s old house into a school room but there had never been a teacher there. When I arrived in Phattalung I turned up at the Phantasanja Community soaked through with rain from a freak monsoon looking totally bedraggled, sun burnt and peeling and carrying so much luggage that I thought my back was going to break.

I had thought that there would be other missionaries there but I was the only foreigner. No one spoke English except Anurak. I had a sleep and then got up for a walk. The community was set in a beautiful Khuankhanun district – surrounded by rice fields, farm land and rubber tree plants. It is remote and breathtakingly beautiful. And so peaceful. I sat on a bench on a bridge over a little stream that runs through the community and in less than 5 minutes a small child appeared from nowhere and put his head on my lap. Suddenly there were children all around my hugging me. My heart absolutely burst. They were the most precious children. I went to bed that night and bawled my eyes out.

Anurak’s ministry (after an amazing conversion from Buddhist to Christian) has been to provide a home for Children who have been abandoned or abused, for girls rescued from prostitution and drug abuse and for elderly people. He is a father to many. And the testimonies there are just amazing.

Due to April being a holiday month – teaching in Khuankhanun hadn’t been organized. Many of the children were going away to visit extended family and Anurak and his family were going away for a few weeks. I began to wonder what I’d I would do and quite like the idea of doing nothing but exploring and lying in the sun for a month. Just then Anurak invited me on a short trip with his family to Phuket via Phang Nga – a chance for me to see a bit of the south of Thailand and to see the Phantasanja projects in the Tsunami area.
On the way to Phuket we stopped of in Bang Muang – a small village where the largest of many temporary housing camps were set up for people who lost homes and families in the Tsunami. Here Anurak’s foundation had a Mother and Child care centre as a short term project and forerunner to the construction of a new community to provide a home for Tsunami orphans, widowed mothers and pensioners. At the camp I recognized some of the people who had visited Phattalung the week before and been baptized there. My heart went out to the people straight away. I had seen nothing yet of the devastation of the area. But before my eyes I could see people with less than a thread of hope living in squat conditions still living much in fear and trauma of the nightmare that was still ringing true to many individuals. At this time there were about 2000 people living in Bang Muang camp – mostly from Ban Nam Khem village, a small fishing village which had been utterly destroyed by the Tsunami. The day that I arrived – people were on high alert because there had been a huge earthquake in Sumatra during the night and many feared another Tsunami and had fled for the hills.

I walked around the camp quietly praying for people and trying my best to pronounce the one phrase I had mastered in Thai: “Sawadee Ka. Sabai dee mai ka?” (Hello, how are you?).
I said that my heart went out to the people. And I felt bonded with the place straight away – but had I known that the next two months of my life would be spent living there I might not have been so quick to bond on that initial visit!
We stopped at Bang Muang on the journey back from Phuket. I had been immensely moved and stunned by the 40 km stretch between Bang Muang and Khao Lak which was totally barren. The Tsunami was totally unimaginable. I still can’t imagine what it must have been like and how such a huge area could be so destroyed. Back at the camp a second time I got straight back into exploring and exchanging smiles and greetings with people. It was when I returned to the mother and child tent that Anurak posed the question: “How would you feel about spending the next month or two living here. We really need your help.”
The idea was that I could teach some English but main task was to inform the huge volume of English speaking passing tourists and visitors about the work of the foundation. Again I was the only English speaking person in the Phantasanja environment. And not speaking any Thai I had to reply on God, prayer and living experience to learn where the need was and how people could help. So the message I was to pass on to others was one of testimony.

I was terrified at the proposition. Though admittedly my first flashing thoughts were: “where will I wash and where exactly will the toilet be.” Before I could get to the second question as to where I would sleep, thinking that perhaps there might be a nice bungalow around the corner, Anurak said, you will be sleeping here, on the floor. I was so nervous but I knew it was where the need was. I could either think of a month alone getting a nice tan, or a month or more living in a disaster zone, on the floor in the temporary housing camp of Bang Muang. Before I knew what I was doing I had already heard myself say “yes.”

moses

Anurak, Oom and kids

children in Pattalung

2006-03-21T09:21:00.000+07:00

Welcome to my blog. I actually started this blog in February 2005 before moving out to Thailand. I finished my job in London, moved out of my flat and found a new home for my cat to embark on a new adventure in Thailand. I'd bought a 1 way ticket - so I didn't know how long I'd be gone. I just knew that I wanted to serve God. I could teach English so I guessed that would play a part in it somewhere. And Thailand seemed to be the place that God had put on my heart. My decision wasn't as rash as it sounds - I had prayed a sought confirmation that my decision was something that God would honour and bless rather than just being a whim or an escape.

So my plan was to blog as I went along...

For one reason or another it hasn't happened. Either I was living somewhere where I couldn't access a computer so easily, or I've been busy, or too stressed, or I've been in the dilemma of "If I don't start the blog from the beginning, where do I start?" ... so I just never started.

Well it's now March 2006 and I'm still in Thailand and it's possible that I'm on the last leg of my time here. I'm not 100% certain, but the was things are looking right now - I'll probably be coming home in June. It's a bit of a funny time to start my blog but it's better late than never.
I've had so many experiences (funny, challenging, bad and good) and thoughts and moments with God etc that it seems silly not to write them down. And who knows... someone may stumble across these pages and somewhere in my rambling there may just be something that blesses them or gives them some inspiration to go where God has been calling them to. For some people - it may even be that God is calling you to Him...

So here's the beginning of my blog, starting a little too late ! But one thing that's not out of date is its title cos I still miss my Cat.